My New Memorial Day

Memorial Day this year means something more to me. I think of my son, to others he may be just a lost pregnancy, a miscarriage. To me he is so much more. He is my son, he never took a breath of the air I breathe, never held my hand, and I never got to watch him grow as little boys do. He did so much more. He lived in me, he had a heart beat, I saw it, I heard it. I saw him wiggle around on the ultrasound, I felt him live, I held his little body in my arms. I know he is somewhere else right now, and I love him. I don't think anyone can understand the loss of a child unless they have been through it. I know I didn't, I didn't understand the pain and great sense of loss that comes with such experiences. Skyler's loss was the most painful thing I have ever been through, and I mean ever. I am not bitter, I am not angry, and I don't like to wonder why, but it does still hurt. I find myself thinking about what he might be like, what kind of a baby he would be. What his personality would be like. He would be about 3 1/2 months and his mannerisms, would be starting to come out more and more. When I get asked about how many kids I have I may say 3 with another on the way, but in my head I say 4 with another on the way. I want to say the latter, but that just makes for more than the person asking wants to know. He is apart of our family, Lily in particular has a special connection to him. I feel it when she speaks of him, and it is very sweet. I can feel her love for him very strongly. I love my kids here on earth, and my son in heaven. I have been blessed so much by all of my children. Every one of them is so special to me and I can't imagine life without them, when it comes to Skyler I can't imagine eternal life without him. I am trying to live so that I can see him again, perfected and alive. The same goes for my kids here too. I want to be with my family forever, now more than ever. I never knew I how much love I could have until I had my family. When you go through anything like what I have been through, you are changed forever. You are more grateful and more trusting of Heavenly Father. I have learned more now how to turn my pain and my grief over to my Savior, it took a while, days of not wanting to get out of bed, of emotions overflowing without notice wherever I might be (the grocery store is probably the most random place for that), seeing others with their little babies and feeling that longing. The temple is where I found my peace and my solace. The first time I went after losing him, that was when I was changed from grieving mother to a mother who could function much better. It didn't change how much I miss him, but how I think about him. I am in a much healthier place now, I can speak of Skyler and not cry and revert back to that deep feeling of loss. The gospel has been a great blessing in my life and I can't imagine going through this without the knowledge of the Plan of Happiness. I know I will see my son and it will be a great day when I can have my entire family around me. Until that day, I will never forget him, my family is stronger for having him part of us, my faith is stronger, my testimony bolstered, and my Savior is a more central part of my life as well. I always thought I was close to my Savior, but now I know that we can always be closer to Him. I found this on another blog about another family who has known the same loss:

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the
family's garden need to remember our Heavenly Father. He has promised a
special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and
longer nights through their trying times of breavement. Our Creator has
promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings.
Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour
is not yet, but nigh at hand."(D&C 58:4) That promised glory includes the blessing reunion with each child who has left the family circle to help
surving members of the family draw nearer to God. Those children still live
and are a heritage to the Lord."
-Russell M Nelson.
"I am a child of God, and He has called me home, My earthly journey's
through but still, I do not walk alone. He leads me, guides me, walks beside
be, helps me find the way. He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him
today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead. My earthly life was
brief but oh, such peace and love you gave. You loved me, held me, stood beside
me and though I cannot stay. You gave me much to help me and I live with him
today.
I am a Child of God and I will wait for you. Celestial Glory shall be
ours, if you can but endure. I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you. Help you
find the way. I'll welcome you with open arms, one bright Celestial day.
-Unkown

This Memorial Day I think of my son, the time I had with him, both in
pregnancy and after, holding him in my arms, my perfect little boy. I am
grateful for loving friends and family, and especially for my husband, who
understands and misses Skyler too. I couldn't imagine life without him as my
eternal companion. Skyler, I love you and miss you. You will always be a
part of our family, with lots of sisters who love you too. With a mom
and dad who cherish those precious moments we had with you.